my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
