You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize