man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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