so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
