I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
