I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize