I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
