He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
