Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
