***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
