No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
