Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
