flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
