i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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