my vag is so smooth its legendary
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
