But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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