Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
