i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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