My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Someone came in the potted fern
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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