Farmville is her only friend.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
