Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
