she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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