Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
