I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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