Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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