apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
