you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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