I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
