My first STD was from a foam party
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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