I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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