How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
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