Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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