i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
