my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
