You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
