just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
