My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
