Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
