it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
