I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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