I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
