benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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