I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
