everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize