There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
