I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
