I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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