you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Randomize