I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
