He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
