You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
