Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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