I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
