Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize