I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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