Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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