just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Randomize